Last night, for some reason, I found myself in a dark place mentally. I am not sure why, because I had a good weekend of cleaning, and straightening up, and other than the fact that the pressure washer decided that it was not going to run, no bad stuff happened:
Here's the sequence
11:11 PM
you tell yourself, "Don't go to that dark place", Then you pass the door labeled "Don't open this door", then you stand in that portal, and
11:12 PM
you say to yourself, again, "Don't go to that dark place". Then you step forward, because there is no power on the planet that can stop it
11:13 PM
As you tumble down the slide, into Hell, where all the bad memories are, where all the self-loathing is, you hear that voice say…..
11:14
"Don't go to that Dark Place" it envelopes you like an old friend, because that's what it is, the one that was with you when no one else was
11:17 PM
They say, "The Truth Will Set You Free", but the truth is, there is no freedom. You trade one box for another. Or, as my Ex once said….
11:18 PM
Or, as my Ex once said…."The grass does look greener in the other side, unfortunately, you find out its on top of the septic tank.
And Finally at 11:19 PM
Sorry for blowing up your time lines with my dark thoughts. I sat idle for too long today. Idle hands, and the devil workshop, and all that......
What's odd about this, as this happened on a day when nothing bad or hurtful occurred. I have been much better, mentally, for about 6-8 weeks, and have been taking things kind of day-to-day. But, a friend, about 20-30 minutes before my posts, posted that that he was in a dark place. I warned him that he shouldn't go there, and in the thought process that followed. I realized that I was thinking about all the things that I keep in my own dark place, and suddenly, I was "standing at that door" so to speak.
Jason got where he was, because he was thinking about being alone, and raising his daughter alone, and that got me to thinking about being alone as well.
This alone thing sucks, but, as I have stated previously, I have no idea how to change it at all.
I hope the next time that I am standing at that door labeled "Don't Open This Door", that I have more will power than I had last night. I do not like that version of myself.
What would it be like to meet someone new? Would I be like that mythical dog that catches the car he chases? Would I turn away at the last moment? Yes, I think I might. One of the reasons that I don't mind going to see Prinzzess, is that I know that I have no shot at anything, except, perhaps friendship, and that takes all the pressure of meeting someone away. It also helps, that Prinzzess is nearly as shy as me. I definitely want to talk to her about that, maybe when she comes to Houston.
Namaste, My Friends.
See You On The Other Side.