They have been together for a long time, and have a child. There is a pain in her eyes that I have seen before in my own.
I wanted to offer all the platitudes that have been offered to me in the past when my relationships went south, but, have refrained. Why you might ask? Well, the truth is that they are just that, platitudes.
The truth is, as I explained to another friend just a few weeks ago, the pain lasts as long as you allow it. And then, most of the time, you find that it doesn't "go away". There will always be a part of your heart/mind that "belongs" to them. You gave it freely. They took your gift, and then something happened, and your gift was discarded.
It may not be in their care and keeping any longer, but, you never get it back.
There is a psychological theory called the 5 steps of grief:
1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance
Most papers that I have read on the subject all put out that these are not clear cut steps, and that many (most) people go from steps 3 and 4 back to step 2 (anger), and start the process all over. Some people never leave step 4.
But that last one, Acceptance, it sounds easy doesn't it? Just accept the situation, and move on. But, I can tell you that "acceptance" is a very big step. That's the day when you "lock away" all the crap, good, bad and ugly, and say "no more".
Does that mean that the pain that missing part of you goes there? Nope, not even close. You will be reminded about it, from simple things, like smells, or tastes, or perhaps a song, or, well, I have to say that list is long, and if you've been a human for more than five minutes, you know what I am speaking about. What acceptance gives you is the ability to move on when you experience one of those things, without falling back into depression, or anger even.
For me, I have this with my last marriage to Hobbit. I can put your finger on the spot in my heart that i feel like is missing. The part that yearns to wake up next to her again, to go on road trips to parks, and museums, and the like.
But, I am happy to say that as long as I keep away from the door that is marked "Do Not Open This Door", that I am okay, most of the time. Interestingly, I not only got close to the door, but allowed myself to go into that room, and wallow in bad feelings about myself, and my situation. And the stupid thing was, I went there knowing what was going to happen. It took 5 long days to climb out.
So, for both of my friends, neither of which are aware that I am writing about them, I hope that your journey through the five stages is quick. I hope that you have friends that will be there when that darkness closes in on you, and forces you to face those horrible feelings over and over again, screaming to yourself "WHY?!?", and going over every conversation that led up to that horrible day when those that you loved, and loved you, just turned and walked out of your life.
Years after my wife left, I wondered for a few days if she was feeling any of the same things that I had felt, or, if there grief process which had begun 6-8 months before she left, had culminated on that day when she left, and she rolled up Stage 5 like a pro. I do not know the answer, and I am not willing to engage in conversation with her about it, even though she considers us to still be friends. My theory for now is that she hit stage 5 on the day she left. It works for me.
MY ADVICE GOING FORWARD:
- Be sure a and surround yourself with people that love and support you.
- Don't allow the internal raging and self pity to overwhelm you. Talk to people when it happens. Sometimes being able to talk is all that is needed, and you can preface the conversation with the statement "I just need to get this off my chest". so they know that they are only required to listen.
- Stay away from Drugs and Alcohol. They don't help you in the process of "forgetting", which is to say "accept" the one that left. Trust me on this. Being drunk/high and depressed is a lethal combination.
- If there are children involved, do not speak ill of the other in their presence. Remember they are struggling with the same issues that you are, and in fact, many children take on the mantle of blame, because they think "If I had been a good boy/girl my parents wouldn't have separated".
- Be aware that friends are going to chose sides. Some will chose you, and some will chose the other. Don't "hate" on them if they chose against you. They are human, and that is part of human nature.
- Some people find it useful to see a mental health specialist, and/or take anti-depressants. My advice about these are thus:
- Mental Health Professionals are normal people, who's profession is to help you accept the reality that is your life. Remember, you NEED to get to step 5 in the grief cycle. That's why they ask infuriating questions like "and how does that make you feel?"
- Meds - I have seen some people that they helped, and I have seen the same drug take others into a downward spiral that is tough to return from. Meds should only be used short term. You should be working every day to push through the steps of Anger, Bargaining, and Depression. It is all on you.
- I remember with an old friend that used to have what I called panic attacks all the time, and one night, I sat with them all night, and talked and held, and cried, until they finally were able to come out on the other side. After it was over, and the bad thoughts were eradicated for this attack, they looked at me and said, "is that it, am I cured?" To which I remember distinctly, and ruefully laughing, and responding with, not quite yet, but, when you can do this by yourself, you'll be there. I am happy to report that many years later, I saw in their life that they had gained control of the demons, and are now "cured".
- Be careful what you say to the other, departing partner. Words mean things, and have consequences. And because of the nature of the relationship, you not going to be able to say "I was mad" as an excuse. Oh, don't get it twisted, you will still need to apologize for your actions at some point down the road, because that is part of the healing process, and attaining that Step 5.....
So, that's my advice to you dear friends. You both have my numbers, and I would be willing to be "that guy" that just listens.
Normally I close these posts with:
Peace To You All.
Namaste, My Friends.
See You On The Other Side.
......Tonight, I add this to my friends, and others that find themselves at this terrible crossroads.....
My Love To You Both.