We have made it to the last day. Hard to believe that I had been since Tuesday, and that tomorrow, I will be back in the rental, and making that 1000 mile journey to Houston.
But, that is tomorrow. Today is Sunday, and the sun peeked over the horizon, and bathed Tampa in a golden glow. How do I know? I was sitting on the balcony in a chair.
After going out at nearly 4 to get food, after the club before that, and watching My Friend That Dances, and even before that, the events of the Fan Fest, I was wired. No, really, I couldn't sleep to save my butt.
But sitting there and watching the sky go from black, to purple, to blue, and then the orange/red/yellows, it was like my body suddenly went
Carrying the chair back into the room, I collapsed into the bed, not even bothering to get undressed. (Editor's Note: Indeed when he woke up, he first thought was "why are my shoes on?") At half-ten (which is the way my Brit friends say 10:30), I woke up. I thought perhaps the reason that I was woken up was that the cleaning person had knocked on the door, but looking out the window (Editor's Note: He forgot to close the stupid curtain. Probably best he neglected to undress!), there was no one there.
Now, I realized that I was awake for the day. In fact, I was awake-awake. So, what to do? Originally, on Friday while at Busch Gardens, I had decided to come back on Sunday since Prinzzess was going to have zero time to hang out this day. But, laying there on the bed, I decided after 4 late nights, all the alcohol that was consumed, and the lack of any real food, except the BBQ that I ate at the park on Friday, that I probably should just lay low, and relax.
I knew that S was gone now, and in fact, according to what could tell, she should have been in Atlanta by this time.
I also knew that this was Prinzzess' big day. the culmination of 45 days of voting, and then add the stress of the previous few days, with getting ready to Co-Host the Awards ceremony, the car and it's flat, and then riding herd on fans while visiting an amusement park.
So, it was at this point that i decided that I was doing notthing. Oh, I knew the Talladega race was on, but, that race has become such a wreck-fest that it is no longer enjoyable to watch. (Editor's Note: He did watch the race, but, with the sound off. And, it was a terrible race. With seemingly30+ cars wrecking on the last lap, in a huge pile of twisted metal, rubber, and smoke. It was, as I tweeted to Kevin Harvick, the real live, Talladega Nights movie ending, without the foot race to the end. Terrible!) I decided that egg-mcmuffins were needed, and so I headed to the golden arches place. I also decided at the last minute to get a caramel frappe, because, I figured the caffeine could not hurt. I was right, caffeine is your friend, as long as it does not come out of a red bull can (or maybe I've never drank the equivalent caffeine in a frappe, as there are in two red bulls?
Now energized, I blasted through checking/editing the previous days blogs so that all the typos, and weird grammar were done. (Editor's Note: "HE" edited the blogs!
But, the truth as what pointed out to me by S, in a text message where I asked for her advice, they are my feelings, and no one can take those away. And besides, so what if someone reads that and thinks badly of me, I doubt I will meet most of them, and if I do, it will not matter what I wrote.
So, I pushed PUBLISH on the previous two blogs. Now, it is noon, and am out of things to do. I looked over, and saw my swim suite hanging, unused for the entire trip, over the back of the chair. I thought briefly about going to the pool, then looked at my pale legs, and thought better of it. One thing about Florida, most people are very nicely tan, and the pale, old guys like myself stick out. I did not want to stick out.
So, I moved my chair back out to the balcony, and surfed the web with the Barbie laptop. The cleaning ladies gave me a funny look, but I did not care because this was relaxing, and the weather was nice.
Around 4 I made contact with M, to get her tuned in for when we needed to leave, and answering the questions whether P was going to be riding with us tot he venue where the awards show was. (At this point, my answer was I did not think so, because P had been at the venue since lunch doing rehearsals. I programmed the GPS, and then went to eat a cheeseburger (I know, I eat a lot of cheeseburgers, and Pie! and I am okay with that .... ).
So, a little time passed, and I received a text from P, asking if I would get her a Frappe, and so, I waited for a bit, and brought it up to her.
Then I prompted M again to make sure that she was getting ready, so we could leave on time, and not be late. Because my experience with being late from the previous nights, was that if you were late, you didn't get to sit. I had a terrible feeling we were going to be late..... and I wanted a seat.
So, it was finally time to go, and after a little delay, we left from the Hotel, and went to the venue that the awards show. This was someplace called Dallas Bull, which is a large country bar there in Tampa. Getting there, I was surprised at how few vehicles there were in the parking lot. But the parking lot was huge compared to the places we had been the previous three nights.
Going in, M and I used our badges to get in. I "think" there was a disapproving look on the ladies face at the front, but, other than laugh a little, I didn't dwell on it at all.
Going in, the place was HHUUGGEE. Everyone was dressed in the finest (Editor's Note: Except HIM, he showed up in black jeans, red shirt, and the same skateboard shoes he had been wearing everywhere all week!)
Going to the bar, I set up the tab, and got the first adult beverage of the night. Then I went to look for a seat, and there were none. da-du-dump. UGH.
So, I found a spot towards the end of the bar, where I could see the stage, and within 30 seconds of finding that spot the first speaker comes out. M, Meanwhile had found a stool and was sitting.
The first lady that came up was Tracy, who I had met earlier in the week, how has been herding cats all week to get people where they need to be, on time, and with all their own clothes on. (Editor's Note: okay, perhaps the clothes thing was a little over the top, but you have to admit it is damn funny!), which has to be the worst job on the planet! She talked about her partner, who was in the hospital passing kidney stones. (OUCH-Little Rocks Coming Out Of Your Pee-Pee Hole.), and how she has a new appreciation for the what he did.
Then, they brought out the MC, Tony "Batman" (something). Who then thanked everyone for coming, and, began to introduce the first host, Ron Jeremy.
There is a lot I could say about him, but, I won't. Simply because he doesn't impress me. Yes, I know his penis is large, and yes he seems proud of the fact that he has "had sex with more women in his life than everyone in the building, ever, combined". But, he is not a good speaker and his jokes were not funny. I would have rather listened to Tony. But, we do not always get want we want, right? So, I suffered through that.
Finally, he introduced the first set of presenters, and I realized that it was going to be a long night, because there were a lot of categories.
So, I settled in at the end of the stage, and watched the parade of people. And Brother there were A LOT of them. Interspersed amongst the awards, there were breaks, and various acts came on. There was an incredible troupe of woman, that I did not catch the name of, that did what can only be described as erotic acrobatics. Very sexy, very pretty. There was this one lady that did an act with hoops that just was jaw dropping. There was an all male review (if you saw "Magic Mike", that kind of male review). Everything was PG-13. No body parts of any of the performers were exposed. Then (and I was waiting for this), Prinzzess comes out to do her Cupcake Show, including the magic trick portion.
I got to be involved, in that once again she took my drink cup away from me to make the milk for the cake. I am still curious what she put in the cup to make the water look just like milk, but, she won't tell..... Of course, it can't be a Prinzzess Feature, without Prinzzess shenanigans, and tonight wasn't the exception to that rule. First, after dancing, and strutting, and riding the pole a few times, she took off the pink corset, to reveal that white strapless bra that she wears with it, then a few more trips up and down the, she took off her "outside panties" (Yes, I have said this before, she wears 2 pair of panties when she dances!), and strutting over to me with a huge smile on her face, put them right over my head. Weirdest Shirt ever. :) (Editor's Note: no one in the vicinity even lifted an eyebrow at the shenanigans, which is sad, because I have to say on a scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, this show was a 9.9995789. How sad that all these folks are so jaded!) But, I am pretty sure there was giggling on my part, even though I have seen this show a number of times, I love it every time.
Then after the second song, it was time for the magic part of the dance. I walked over to the stage where her pile of costume pieces lay, and put my weird shirt on the pile, then backed off... During one of her struts, she stopped and took the cup from me....Then came back, and gave me her frilly chefs hat, which I put on my head (and now that I think about that, probably shouldn't have. Because I probably looked like a fool with it on my head, with all those strangers looking on...) (Editor's Note: Will someone please tell him how to shake this Shy Thing he has going! It is driving us nuts!) Anyway, so, as in the past, she sprays the pan with cooking spray, and then for good measure, gives her own hair a swirl. Then reaching into the flour bag, she pulls out a white flower, looks at it with a puzzled face, and the shrugging throws that in the pan. Breaks an egg. and then searching through the bag pull out water, instead of the required milk (Editor's Note: she has the recipe on a board next to the stove), and so, walking up and down the aisle, she stop in front of me, and TAKES MY CUP! (Editor's Note: It is a good thing that my #MRPOKNB was pegged at 4.5, because otherwise I would have fought to keep my cup! (NotReally!)). Taking my cup, she pours in the water and voila' (The French word for "and there you have it!"), MILK. Amazing!
(Editor's Note: I am pretty sure that he described the water-to-milk thing earlier, but, I am too lazy to go back and look for it. Please forgive me, gentle-reader)
Then she lights a match, and SETS THE PAN ON FIRE! I mean, real flames 4 inches high! with an unconcerned look on her face, she waves her hand over the flames, then, slams the lid onto the pan.
With a big flourish, she the pulls the cover off, and reveals to the eagerly waiting audience, CUPCAKES. Then she walks around and give various folks one, and I saw everyone of them eaten! Woooo
So, after giving cupcakes (Ed: Yes, He Got One!) until they were gone, she finished her dance. Two more songs of strutting, writhing, Pole spinning and all the other normal stuff, she Posed, Waved, and Smiled, and exited the stage.
Soon after this, the previous co-host disappeared into the back, and Out comes the new Co-Host. (This was Prinzzess, in case you had forgotten I mentioned that above) Looking all fine in her gold dress! She comes out, strikes a pose, and puts her arm in the air. There is much clapping and cheering.
So, her job was to announce who the next presenters were, and then return to her waiting spot just off-stage. I have plenty of pictures of her walking back and forth, in fact, I though to myself while scrolling through them that I had too many... But, I am not deleting a single picture. NoSireeBob.
Soon it came time to announce the winner of the Best Feature Dancer, and Prinzzess was announced as the winner! I had told her early in the month of September it would be really cool to be there surrounded by family, friends, and fans and receive the winners trophy, and I was right! It was the coolest thing ever. During her speech, she thanked many folks, but then said thanks to her fans, and pointed at me! (Ed: Squealed he did!)
A few minutes later, the "Best Production Company" was announced, and it was Girlfriend Films. So, the presenters called Prinzzess out to the stage to accept on behalf of them, because she is their contract star.
Soon enough, all the awards are given out, all the pictures are taken, and congratulations, condolences, and platitudes are done. There was an after party at the club next door to the hotel, and so I made my way back to the hotel, then walked across the parking lot, and went in. Finally the badge failed me, and I had to pay the cover charge.... But that was okay, because once in the badge got me into the VIP section they had roped off for Nightmoves people. I drank a drink, and looked around, and no one that I knew, or wanted to stare at was there. Although I knew P was there, so, I made another lap, and then I saw her. There was a tall woman standing behind her, kind of obscuring her from view. I leaned in, offered to buy her a drink, but the tall woman intervened and told me she was buying her a drink, and looking at her body language, I could tell she was not happy about me being there. So, I leaned in, gave her a side hug, and told her I was heading out. She asked me if I was sure, and looking at the tall lady, I said I was sure. I am better when I am invisible sometimes.
So, Here is where I will put the funny stories of the night: (in no particular order)
- So, the first story occurred soon after getting there, Where M was sitting, there was a very slightly built blonde girl sitting next to her, and brother she was hammered. I had moved away from them (M and the girl), because I was looking for a good vantage point to watch the show. Presently, here she comes.....right towards me, and stopping in front of me, she begins to do the pee-pee dance, and I have seen enough girls do this dance to know that she was a defcon 5 for needing to go. She mumbled something, which I did not hear, and leaned in to have her repeat it, and she grabbed my head and yelled into my year, "NEED BATHROOM. PEE", so, I took her by the hand and pointed her the right way, and she said "Please Take Me" something in the tone of her voice triggered my "dad" machine, and off we went, practically running for the back corner of the place. Arriving at the door to the bathroom she pulled me back and said wait for me. I agreed, although in protest. I wanted to go back and watch stuff. Soon enough she comes out, and though still terribly drunk, she looked relieved. Her first words to me "I should not have held it so long!" Then she grabbed my hand and started walking back to her seat. Now that I was not running in front of her, I realized that she was pretty blitzed. Arriving at the chair she asked me how I could repay her..... I told her to sit, don't drink anymore beer, and get sobered up, and that would be payment enough. She said okay, and sat down. I turned to M, and made a face, and while I was doing that, the girl picks up a beer bottle, with about half left in it, and chugs it like sorority girl at her first kegger. I just shook my head and walked away.
- So, I finally got to speak to Lexi Bell. I was standing near the end on the stage, and I noticed that someone had walked up besides me, but, I was busy ogling a girl on stage (Editor's Note: Magnificent Tracks of Land!). After she left the stage, I looked to me right, and there were 2 girls standing there. I instantly recognized Lexi, but, while the other girl was familiar, I could not think of her name. So, I turned back to the action on stage for a few minutes. Then curiosity got the better of me, and I broke the "law of the free first peek"
- (Editor's Note" This little aside, because if you don't understand the reference you will not laugh! Anyway, when I was younger, I took a sexuality class at the church, and leader, who happened to be the pastor of the church made the comment that if you stared at a girl for too much that was lust. So, after the class, I approached the pastor and engaged in a conversation where he could explain to me the fine line between looking, and lusting, because as I asked him, "if God didn't want you to notice girls, why makes them pretty?". His answer was that looking again is where it went form look to lust, whereupon on the spot, I came up with the theory of the law of the free first peek, "as long as you don't look away, your not lusting, and therefor, you have dogged the sin-bullet". The pastor laughed, and said that was not the way it worked..
- So, anyway, when I looked back, I noticed the one that I could not recall her name, had a trophy, and looking at it, saw the name JoAnna Angel. So, looking away again, and then looking back, I looked up, and Lexi was looking right at me, Caught! But I said hello, and something inane like "Your Lexi Bell", to which she responded (in the cutest "little girl" voice, EVER), and this is Joanna Angel. So, trying to remain cool, I introduced myself (using me real name even!), and told her that I had met her the previous Spring in Houston, and she immediately said "At Tattle Tales" and I said yes (Editor's Note: Note, He did not tell her that he was very-very-very sort of drunk when he met her, "Wouldn't Be Prudent!"). She then said that she heard they closed, and I told her yes, but that it had re-opened under a new name. Then looking at the girl nearer to me, and the trophy, I was able to make out what it was for "something-something-something Triple Threat" I guess I stared at it too long, all the while thinking, what the heck does that mean, ("does girls, does boys, does both" was the first thing that made most sense to me.), using that same cute little girl voice, Lexi goes "well you know what a c*ck is? I nodded. She continued, so, first you have one in your p***y, THEN, you have one in your mouth, and then finally, you have one in your A**." I know that my mouth was ajar. Then SHE LAUGHED. She had set out to shock me, and she had. My response? "wow, that's seems like your very busy!" To which JoAnna said, "well, I still have my hands!" *BOOM* Mind Blown!
I little after the above story concerning Lexi, someone's names was called as a winner, and running towards my side of the stage, comes a slightly built, Asian girl, she slides to a halt, and realizes that she needs to be on the other side of the stage. She turns to me, and says "help me", and then turns her back to me, and tries to hop up, backwards onto the stage. I bent down, picked her up, and lifted her on the stage, held her hips while she got her legs under her, and steadied on her 6 inch heals, and she stood and ran to get her trophy.
So, this ends the stories. It has been fun, and it was a killer vacation. The first time in my adult life, that I turned off the mail to my phone, and did not think about work at all.
Shalom.
Namaste, My Friends.
See You On The Other Side.
P.S. Oh, I nearly forgot the trip home. After sleeping for 2.5 hours, I got up Monday morning, and traveled the entire 976 miles to the house. And, went to work the next day....
:)