(EDITORS NOTE: All the names in this entry are pseudonyms, And they are pseudonym's that they themselves picked, and use in their work as dancers.)
I am here, this week, because my friend Kendall, was in a terrible car accident, eight weeks, and one day ago. The list of injuries was extensive. There were broken ribs, damage to her liver, she lost a kidney, and because of the actual accident she had a stroke that affected her. She had so many surgeries, planned, and emergency, that I actually lost count.
There is a blog entry here that that talks about that fateful moment, and the events of that day.
I was never allowed to see Kendall while she was in Shock Trauma ICU. I was okay with that. After all, I am not her friend, in fact we were barely acquaintances. Her family was protecting her, as Moms and Dads are want to for their kids. But, I always had the hope that one day she would get out of ICU, and I would be able to see her again.
Then, last week I heard that she was moved from Shock Trauma ICU to the in-house rehabilitation floor. I knew that this was not a "controlled access" floor, and got excited that finally, I'd get to say hello, and maybe get a hug.
I realized several weeks ago that I was too emotionally invested in this. I was going every day, for the better part of 7 weeks, to the hospital, where I would sit in the corner away from people, and just quietly pray, and sometimes, yes, even spill a few tears.
Then when I heard the news that she was in the new floor, I went to the new floor, in a different wing of the hospital, and came to a dead stop. My old fear/hatred of hospitals hit me like a ton of bricks. I quickly sat down in the waiting area outside of the patient rooms. There was no one there.
I sat there, and decided that this would be a good time to say a short prayer for Kendall. So I did. I also asked God for the strength to get up and walk on into the hall. After a few minutes, I knew that I wasn't going to be able to see Kendall, so, I talked myself into at least walking in, and seeing where the room was.
I got up, and walked around the corner to my left, and there was the nurses station, and to the right of that room 405. There was no name on the outside of the door unlike on other doors, and I briefly wondered if this was a continuation of the restriction from her previous section of the hospital.....But, I didn't think too long about it, because it was time to go back to the office. The nurse smiled, and said hello, and I said hello back.
I realized walking back to the office about the signs on the walls and doors. This was the In-Patient Rehab section, specializing in folks that had strokes. Ah, so this was to help her recover from the stroke. Hmmmm I hadn't asked Sienna about that in several weeks, because I assumed it was a minor stroke, and that they had been right there when it happened, and were able to treat it right away. As I edit this, I realize that I still haven't asked, and have probably missed my window.
The next two days, I went to the hospital, for prayers, early in the morning. Me not being able to go to the room wasn't an issue because it was before 6 AM, and I knew that I'd not be allowed, even if I had the courage.
Enter yesterday, Saturday. I had messaged Sienna, asking her if I could ride with her when she went to see Kendal, and she said that she would ask Kendall, and get back to me.
I didn't go out Friday night, so, I didn't see Sienna. Waking up Saturday morning, I am greeted by a text from a girl/woman that I had been trying to go out with me, and the big hang up was mine, because she is married, but, separated. This past week, she told me she was filing for divorce, and that we could finally go out on a real date. That was Thursday. Today Saturday, I get a text that says I am with my husband, please no calls or texts, I will see you at work.
So, things are not looking good. I really liked this girl (she not a "girl", I just think of her like that!). So after yelling obscenities at the ceiling for what seemed like an hour, but was really less than 10 minutes, I sent a txt to Sienna, and asked her about the visit to see Kendall, and what Kendall had said.
She wrote back that she had not received a message back, and that she felt the answer was no.
This is the answer I expected. After all, I am a pessimist by nature, and know that I still have a huge amount of bad Karma on my tab, still from Squirmy's car repossession, and then the added stuff from Freya (and yes, while I haven't blogged much about Freya, trust me, that whole deal augured into the mountain, at full speed, fully enveloped in fire. I will not claim that I escaped, un harmed, because that would, flat-out, be a lie.) Life is what happens when you are making plans. And I ALLOWED life to pass me by while planning a life with her. (EDITORS NOTE: Lyric that is literally playing while we are editing this : "Then I'll get on my knees and pray, We Don't get fooled again!")
I will always consider Freya the one that I drove away, and then, instead of being a man, and realizing it was never real, and never honest, I kept "poking" at it, trying to make something work. One of the reasons that I will also consider Kendall to be my friend, even if she doesn't think of me as a friend, is that she took the time, before her accident, to sit down, and warn me, and also to advise that I needed to walk away. (actually, at the club, the last time I saw her, she said I should RUN, and not look back. She said Freya was never interested in me, and never would be.) Now, I hear that she is thinking about getting a restraining order against me. Save your Money girl. I am walking/running away, (EDITORS NOTE: But, as usual, we digress)
(Editors Note: Sienna gave us the same advice about Freya, and is understandably confused why I always tell her the heart wants what the heart wants, when it comes to Freya.)
So, back to Saturday morning, I decided that there was no time like the present, and jumped on She to head to the hospital. I had made arrangements with Bubba to keep Ginger (the red car), in case there was a chance that Sienna and I would be riding together to the hospital, but, I realized that wasn't going to happen, and like I said, I jumped on She, and we headed out. I had not made it 5 miles, wen I realized that I was getting ready to hit a big storm, and would be wet, so, I changed into the wet gear, and got back on the bike. I road through the worst rain, probably in several years. easily, the top 5 of all bad rain. In spite of the bad rain, and getting soaked (rain ran UP my arms, and down my torso. I was miserable), I arrived in the MedCenter, and it was still raining.
Normally, since I pay for parking, 3/4 of a mile away from the hospital, I just park, and walk, but, with the rain, and the fact that I was already wet, I decided to just park in the garage at the hospital. I knew it would be expensive, but, this was about Kendall, and not about me.
Parking, I immediately head for the bathroom at the hospital, and proceed to disrobe, and dry off with paper towels, I am glad that no one came in, because it would have been hard to explain. :)
Then, off the waiting room. Today, because it is a Saturday, there are a lot of folks in the waiting area. I tried to find a spot as far away from all of the people, because I am shy, and I did not want to talk to anyone. To help with that, I put on my MD Anderson ID badge aroud my neck, and that usually causes people to look, and then look away.
I had sat there for about 20 minutes, and an entire family came in, and sat near me. I moved a little, to give them enough room to sit, without being in "my space". About that time, I received a message in the Group Chat that Sienna was on her way to the hospital. So, I know I had about 1 hour before she arrived, to finish prayers, and get out. Though I think of Sienna as a friend, and always will, I am sure she doesn't think of me that way. But, honestly, I have never asked her that question. We are friends, and that is enough. Maybe not "besties", but can an old guy, and a beautiful young lady be besties? Never happened. Not sure I can be the exception to the rule. (Editor's Note: We have told you before Sienna, that you rock this planet, and I love being your friend......
So, I am sitting there, and I am listening to the conversations. The family that had just arrived, they were there for their Mom, the Grand Matriarch of the Family. I remembered when my grandmother, and then mom fell ill, and passed. I remember having some of the same conversations, "Can we get therapy for the walking, the speech, etc", will she be the same? What are we going to do? One of my "skills" if you want to call it that, is my empathy. I can feel what you are feeling. And then I spiral, like the ones I am listening to. (EDITORS NOTE: This is not a skill you want. Never!)
I found myself, in the midst of a prayer for Kendall, crying, and then, under my breath, praying for this unknown lady, and the 13 people that were there to see her.
Then, a lady walks in, in a ball cap. A LSU Tiger ball cap. And she is bald. She is wearing an arm band from MD Anderson. Someone going through treatment for some kind of cancer. I had to get up, and walk out. It was too much. I do not allow myself to feel like that anymore.
I went downstairs, and got 2 Snickers, and a Dr. Pepper. I sat for 20 minutes, and slowly consumed them. meanwhile, I said another prayer...... This time, in a booth at cafe. I prayed for everyone. Me, Sienna, Kendall, Dynasty, Freya, Sunshine, Tori, Becky, Amber, the kids, my Ex's My friend that dances, and all the folks that am "friends" with on Twitter, and finally me. I cried the entire time, and asked God to stop allowing me to feel all that I was feeling. Lucky for me, I had stumbled on a booth in the corner, and no one saw me.
Finally, I got my stuff under control, and got up. I thought about leaving, but, realized the Sienna was going to be there soon, and thought it would be chicken to leave like that.
Going back upstairs, one of the little ones was sitting in the seat I had been in, so, I went to another, and the guy scoops up his kid, and says "here, this is your seat". I tried to tell him that I could sit anywhere, that I was just there to pray for a friend, and it didn't matter where I sat. He said it did matter, and pointed. So, I sat down. He then asked me about the badge on the lanyard on my neck, and I told him that I had come from work. Then the lady that had no hair looked at me and said that she LOVED MD Anderson. I told them quickly that I was a support person, and that my job was not patient facing, that my job allowed those folks to do their job, and that was all.
Then they asked me why I was there. I told them that I came in to pray for a friend that was on that floor. I then explained that it had been 8 weeks since she had her accident, and all that time had been spent on the Shock Trauma ICU ward and that she had just been moved in the last 3 days to this floor.
I had to explain that previous to her move I was not allowed to visit her. They asked me if I knew what room she was in, and then, incredibly, asked if I wanted to run some interference to see if anyone was in Kendall's room. I was floored.
I told them thanks, but no, because I did not want to cause problems with her folks, and the possibility existed that Kendall herself might not want to see me. After all, according to Freya, her friend, I am a creepy, stalker guy. (EDITORS NOTE: Our friend Tori told us earlier this past week that I was trying to hard, and I needed to stop. We wished we knew how to do that. We seem to have two modes OFF or ON.)
I then told them that Sienna, Kendall's best friend, was on her way, and we would see if I was allowed to see Kendall.
Time passed. The little kids played. The lady that was in the hospital, brother arrived, and there was joyous round of hugs, and love. And then, he went back to see his sister, who had a stroke. He came out 10 minutes later, a few shades whiter, than when going. He then walked around, and introduced himself to the Nieces (grand or otherwise), and Nephews, and even introduced himself to me. I think his name is Bruce. I'm Uncle Bruce. I quickly stood up, and shook his hand, and said that I was not related to him that I just was sitting in close proximity to the family. He smiled. It was kind of nice.
Then a bunch of them went downstairs. it had been about an hour and fifteen minutes since Sienna said she was leaving the house, so, I figured she be there soon. Wouldn't you know it. All of them arrived back from the Cafe, on one elevator, nearly at the same time Sienna and her Niece arrived on another.
Sienna had a funny look (or I was completely freaked out by being in the hospital too long). I gave her a side hug, and she said I'll text you with her answer, I can't imagine her not wanting you back there.
Now, I know that the end was near, and I started flipping through FaceBook. Yes, I re-joined. I really miss the Cafe game.
Then, I started looking for friends that I knew. Soon enough, I found Amber, my favorite Bartender, then Tori, and Sunshine (and because of Sunshine, I found my favorite Waitress, Becky!) , and Sienna, and of course, because of Sienna, I found Kendall, and Freya. I found some Twitter friends, and was having a rocking time. Then I realized a lot of time had passed. (and NO, I did not "friend" Kendall or Freya).
Anyway, I looked up, and my new friend asked me if I had gotten to go back, and I looked at the time, and realized that Sienna had been back there for nearly 30 minutes, and there had been no text. I must have had a sad smile, while telling him no. I figured that maybe the truth of it all is that Kendall didn't want to see me. After all, She is my friend, and not the other way around. His wife nodded, and he looked confused. I thanked them for their hospitality, and beat feet for the elevator.
Today, I went back, for what I call "long prayers". where I am there for 2-3 hours praying that God will hear me in spite of the fact I am a christian that follows porn stars on twitter, and go to a strip club for "adult beverage night". My prayer always is that if someone has to give up something, so that Kendall gets better, and has her life and love restored, then take it from me. I have been doing this for many weeks now. And Slowly, Kendall is getting better, and slowly, my life is starting to spiral, counter-clockwise, into the sewer. So, its working.
While sitting there, who arrives? The wife of the guy from the day before, and their kids. She came over, and greeted me, and shook my hand. Then asked me the million dollar question..... Have I been able to see my friend? I had to shake my head no. She said I should just go back, and I admitted that hospitals scared me, and that while I had tried several times, today, I hadn't been able to walk in. I had been hoping that my friend from the previous day would go with me, and help me break the ice. But, that hadn't worked out.
Amazingly, she offered to go with me right then. I then had to explain I was afraid that I would be rejected by Kendall, and said thanks but no thanks.
Soon, I left, and returned home. I had been thinking about this blog post since arriving at the hospital earlier that morning. I was thinking that it might be a way for me to "get over this". Because I do my best thinking, when I am typing, and the music is turned up really loud. (EDITORS NOTE : NowPlaying ZZ TOP "I'm Bad and Nationwide")
I will continue to go and pray, from the waiting room for Kendall, until she is released from Memorial Hermann, it is the thing that keeps my soul steady.
Get well soon Kendall, though I know that I will never see you again, you made a mark on my life. I wanted to sit down, face to face, without alcohol, or one of us being half-naked, and the other staring like a person that hasn't had sex in 5+ years...... You told me, twice in 10 days how things were, and how they would turn out, and I didn't "hear" you until it went down exactly like that. Curiously, I think we would make great friends, in the outside world.
And Sienna, I nearly screwed up my friendship with you because I cannot figure out the difference between a tweet and a text after 4 vodka's and 2+ "Beckies" (Wooooo Do I love those Beckies....), but, as I have told you before. I am your biggest Cheer-Leader #GoSiennaGO No One Can Hold You Back.
Namaste, My Friends. (I Bow To You).
See You On The Other Side. (First 2 rounds on ME, look me up, I'll be waiting on the other side of the Gates (I'll have the sign!)
I Love You All. (Yes, all of you!)
:)