These words are hard to write.
But, this is the only place that I can write them, where I know that no one will bother me about them.
I woke up this morning, with the un-alterable feeling that I wan to go away.
Not a vacation, not, move to a new place.
But go away. I saw Freya last night. My heart soared. I realized that I was smiling, really for the first time in so very long.
We actually had a nice conversation. Then, it was closing time, and she got up, and went home.
I doubt that I will see her again. I am sad about it. But, I cannot change it.
I realized this week (or perhaps the week before, been a tough couple of weeks), well, realized isn't the right word. I remembered why I started going to the bar to begin with.
I was alone. 4+ years of being seperated/divorced. I had made 4 or 5 trips to see Prinzzess dance.
I was alone, and didn't want to be alone, but did not know how to start over. Then I realized I didn't want to start over.
Started going to Splndr, because, well alcohol, and the scenery was nice. I could look at a pretty girl, but, innately I knew that I would never have a chance with any of them. And I kind of hoped that the alcohol would help me die quicker. Wouldn't you know it, I just built up an immunity to the stuff, and three years later, I am still walking/talking/riding.
Sure, I made friends, Amber, my favorite bartender, though, no longer a bartender. She is off in the big scary world, pushing towards her dream of her own company. Becky, my favorite bartender. Interestingly, a few girls along the way. Tracy, who I call my best friend. Of course the girls I call the three musketeers, because, I met them all around the same time, and they are all friends. Lissa, Mary, and Connie. Cannot leave out Krissie. Though she is gone now, trying to start over her life at 38, because the father of her children, and hisband nearly beat her to death. Some of that is on me. Some is on him.
But, along the wayside, I have left a few along the side of the road. Sunshine (She laughed at me), Heidi (Won't date me anymore, because of my thing for Freya), Allison (never really tried to do anyting with her, I wasn't her type, but, she thought I was a good guy), and Sue, to name a few.
But, in 2 weeks of renewed asking the "why" question to God, and once again, not receiving any kind of answer at all, I am back in a deep hole of regret, and remorse.
Haven't even spoken about Rebekah here.....That entire fiasco is a year old now. I would like to think that it must be easier for her now that all this time has passed. But, I really wish that things could have been a little different....
So, here I am, on a Saturday, with a heavy heart, and wondering what's next.
is my worse fear ever going to come to be. I am going to live a long life, all alone.
Please God no. I am tired of being the morality tale. Take me now.
I Love You All.
Namaste.....
SeeYouOnTheOtherSide
Oh, I nearly didn't write the words that are hard to write.
I Want To Die.