Something that you may not know about me, I am a man of faith. I have a belief system that is based on Christian (which is defined as being "like Jesus" for the purpose of this blog post) values, and beliefs, laws, and the like.
Recently (most of this year), I have been having a crisis of Religion. I still believe in the ideals of my Faith, (which is to say that I am a born again Christian, that I believe that God came to earth in the form of Man to be the propitiation (stand-in, or substitute) for me. I believe that all I had to do to receive that blessing was to simply believe in God. I did not say a prayer, or speak in tongues, or any other act on this planet to receive it. I simply said, "God I believe in my heart that you died for me". I believe in the rule of law as laid down by the Bible.
On the topic of the Bible, I believe that it is God-inspired, that is to say that God inspired Men to write down what he said, and then, MOST IMPORTANTLY, he protected those words through time. Did Men get together and "put the Bible together"? Sure, but, if you believe that God wasn't there, guiding those men, then we have to take a step back and speak about Faith, and the inerrancy, and the source of the words we know as the Bible.
So, back to the crisis of religion. I am having one. I have all kinds of "head knowledge" and "heart knowledge" about my my faith, but, sometimes what we do as a "people" (being those that practice our religion), confounds me.
But, this Sunday, I woke up early, and I decided to go to church. I only go to church, I do not do Sunday School or any of the other things. So, I arrived on Sunday morning, and sat in what is my normal spot, (when I come) in the church.
I knew what the the verses were going to be, because I arrived as the AV people were doing a run-through of the powerpoint presentation. Today's verse was 1st Peter, Chapter 2, verses 18 and 19.
Honestly, I have not heard too much said about these verse in all my time in church, and as I sit here and think about how long that has been, I realize it is nearly 30 years.
So, here are the verses:
[18] Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward.
[19] For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully.
So, I read them, thought about what they say, got a definition for "froward", and puzzled what was meant by the line about "if a man, for conscience toward God endure grief". and decided that it was talking about the "it rains on the just and the unjust", and waited for service.
My church, in an effort to change things up, sometimes changes the order of service, which I am not fond of. I like to go to church, have a song service, hear a special, do the offering, sing another couple of song, and finally the preacher (Pastor, Minister, Reverend, Father (you pick)) gets up to "feed the flock"
So, this Sunday, we did church in the order that I liked it. Then Brother Robby stood up. Now to paint a picture, you have to imagine a big open pulpit area, with no Podium, no seats for anyone, all the musicians are off stage, and there he is, standing in the middle, with a small table, not unlike a television tray.
Brother Robby walks up, and puts his hand on the corner of the table, and stands there. You can tell from his countenance that he is under a great deal of stress.
He stands there, barely shaking, eyes downcast. His lips are trembling.
Two things stood out to me at this point. The church was silent. Oppressively so. No one was moving, there were no noises of any kind, not even coughing. And, secondly, Robby was barely in control.
My mind started to wonder if something had happened, did someone pass away that morning? Was there a bad accident? Was someone in his Family ill? All these things rushed through my head.
Three or more minutes goes by, but, it seemed like longer. I kept waiting to hear someone say "Amen" to show sympathy/camaraderie/support, something. Nothing came.
Finally, Robby opens his mouth to speak, and you can tell from the catch in his voice, that there were great things troubling him. He said, "This past Wednesday, I asked my wife, while walking out the front door, to pray for me." He went on to say that Wednesday's are his normal study days. He needed to finish the sermon that he was there to give that day. He said "I had already worked on it some, of course, and I knew that it was going to be hard"
Then he paused again. And, I saw his expression darken, I saw him clench his teeth, I saw his attempt to not show the battle that he was fighting inside of himself.
And I, at this point, pulled out my Nook with the KJV Bible application on it over, and flipped it open to re-read the verses.......
[18] Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward.
[19] For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully.
And suddenly got a glimpse about where his head was, where his heart was ..."Be subject to ALL FEAR...."
I looked back up, and Robby is bowed over like he was struggling to stand, I glanced at the front row where the rest of the Church Leadership sits on Sunday, and could detect that they were concerned.
I realized that it was going on another two minutes of silence, when from the back of the church, one of the Deacons said "Amen" in support of whatever it was that Robby was going through.
That startled Robby back into speaking, and after pulling in this very audible, ragged breath, (something that I have read about before, but, I don't think that I have ever heard with my own ears), he said that he was not able to preach about this. That he had been dreading it for a while. Then he held up his Bible, and asked the church to pray with him.
Now, I am a good christian, and when I hear that, I sit up straight, and lean forward in a bow, and close my eyes, and prepare for the prayer. Except that day. As I was leaning forward, Brother Robby GOT DOWN ON HIS FACE, and began to pray. Now, as I said, I have been going to church for more than 30 years, and while I have heard about preachers talking about getting on their faces while praying, have never seen it. And, I have never done it. His whole body was pressed to the floor, I have never seen anything like it.
I could not close my eyes. And then, Brother Robby began to pray. Not the "Heavenly Father we come to you asking you to bless this service and these words." kind of prayer, but the prayer of a Man that had been praying in his heart all along, and, it was as if he un-muted his internal dialog, and suddenly the church was filled with the pleadings of a man on the edge.
His prayer over and over was "I can't do this", "I can't do this". And suddenly I was remind of all those Sunday school lessons, and saying on wall plagues, and the stories of Biblical Saints asking God to help them because they weren't strong enough.
Then, the aforementioned Staff members began to get up, and got on their knees in front of the pulpit, people from the audience, I am sure there were Deacon's and Usher's also up there, all the while, Robby is praying for strength to preach, or perhaps I thought, asking the God not make him preach it. I kept thinking about the saying that God wouldn't ask you to do something that he could not help with......
You have to know something about me, I always want to "feel" whatever is going on, and Robby had me. I was there with him. I remembered the times, when I was on bended knee after my wife left, begging God to take me home, praying that he take the bad times away, begging for relief.
That was Robby, Sunday Morning. It seemed like the prayer went on for 30 minutes, even though I doubted it lasted longer than 10 minutes. But, in that prayer, you began to hear Robby hearing God's words, words that were strengthening him, and words that were comforting him. Words that I strained to hear with my own ears, comfort that I wanted for my own pitiful life.
I have to admit here, that I haven't felt the "hand of God" on me for a long time, but Sunday Morning, watching my Pastor, Robby Pollard, son of a Preacher man, former Firefighter, and EMT, former student athlete, and all around "Man's man", with his face flat against the carpet, clutching his Bible, crying, wailing even, asking God for help, I felt it then.
I actually felt a hand on my shoulder, and startled, I looked up, thinking someone had come and sat next to me. No one was there. But, I would like to think that it was God himself.
I finally bowed my head, and for the first time, in years, I cried, I cried tears about my waste of a life, about the woman that I love leaving me, about the fractured relationship with my Daughter, about life, and stuff. I just ended with "I'm Sorry God", and raised my head.
Brother Robby stood up, and took a deep breath, still shaking, still bowed slightly. A Deacon brought him a cup of cold water, and Robby, with a grateful look on his face, drank a big drink. People filtered back to their places.
After that he preached. And it was great. For me, I heard 4 messages that day. The message Robby preached, the message that was contained in the prayer that he prayed, the message that I thought he was going to preach about, and finally, that brief conversation that I had with God, while tears flowed.
I wish that I had better words for that day, I keep thinking that if they had a video of that, I think I would watch it again.
Namaste Folks. See You On The Other Side.