I have never been never been one of those people described as "Optimists", seeing the good, first.
I have not been one of those people that are painted with the brush of "Pessimist" either.
What I am is a person that when looking at a situation, plot out in advance all the things that can go wrong. Then I work arduously to avoid those pitfalls, even if sometimes it means that you avoid even trying.
However after the events of last week (got the raise), (and), (The horrible conversation with my Ex), I have had an epiphany. I am not happy living like that. By gosh, I just turned 49 years old. I am way past halfway in my life, and I live it like it is to be feared.
Not Happy Living Safely. Then I read India Summer's blog entry today, Found here (will open in a new window).
She starts it out with these two lines " Life is basically insecure. Only death is secure."
I remember when I was telling Bubba about the raise last week, and how I kind of viewed it as God's way of saying that I was in the right place, and that I should stop looking for a new gig. He asked me a very astute question. He reminded me that there is still the whole "18 months from now", where, because of the commodization of email, most of the college's mailboxes may move to the cloud. He said, "what about then? Didn't you tell me that by getting a new gig now, that it would prevent you from losing your job then?"
He's right, I did say that. But, in that moment I suddenly realized that I did not want to live like that anymore. I do not want to surf the "coulda's, Woulda's, and finally, the shouda's" wave anymore. It seemed like I find myself always saying to myself, and sometimes out loud "someday I want to....", and the truth is, I don't.
So, India, your words were the germ that started me on this blog entry, and is the culmination of 5-7 days of thinking about what I want to do this year.
My Love to You All.
Namaste.
See You On The Other Side.