So, this past Wednesday, 07 NOV 2012, an imaginary line was crossed in my life.
A line that separates me from my "life" as I knew it, into this part (or the rest) of my life.
What is "special" about this birthday? Well, it is my 50th. That's right, 50 years on the planet. This one is the "Big Line in the Dirt" birthday, similar to the one, when you turn 18. Back then, suddenly, you were allowed to be an adult, you could make life altering decisions that your parents could save you from (like join the military, or buy your first drink (although, that has changed in my lifetime, you have to be 21 to "legally" drink now), take out a loan on a car, if you could find someone silly enough to loan an 18 year old money!)
But, this is about "50". Fifty is special because of where you are viewed in society/culture. This is where you are considered passed middle-aged, getting old.
All in your 40's, that was middle age, and you could try doing this that were still in the realm of the young. Like rollerskating at the local rink, or, skydiving, or racing a car. But, hit fifty, and attempt/do these things, you hear the comments "What's that old guy doing here?" or from people in your peer group, "Oh, he's just going through middle age craziness".
There is also the whole relationship thing. You can't date a girl in her 20's, and if you do, there is all kinds of condemnation from that aforementioned peer group, and the peer group of the girl in her 20's. For that matter, if you follow the rule, I can no longer date ANYONE under the age of 32. (Half your age, plus seven). But, then you have to ask yourself, why would you want to date someone that young. You have nothing in common with them, from a past experiences point of view, as well as energy level and the like.
My experiences, from looking around from the periphery of the dating scene, at my age, is that if a woman in her late 20's to early 30's is interested in you, she likely has kids that she needs help raising/providing for, and she is willing to look past your "deficiencies" to assure that her progeny are provided for. (This is not "always" true, but, for the most of the time it is.) Of course, you can date folks in your age group, but, folks my age come with baggage (and yes, I come with plenty of my own baggage, and it is that perspective that allows me to understand that we all have it), and I would rather not be with someone that only views me as a room-mate (even, if it is room-mates with benefits!). I have stated before that I believe my "relationship-life" is over. The Fates gave me two marriages, and both spouses left. Of those, the second was the best thing that ever happened to me, and to which I call the Gold Standard of relationships. Any person that I meet, I ask myself "Would She Be Like Hobbit?", and boom, they are shot down. I know that I could change my standards, but, I would not like ME, if I changed my standards. I am, as I have stated previously, a rule guy. Rules are there for a reason.
But, back to the great big line in the sand, where, once you cross over, you can only look back fondly, at your past life. Oh, sure, all your peers will tell you something like "it's just a number", or, others will tell you that "fifty is the new thirty".
Mentally, Fifty was hard for me. When I turned Forty, I remember thinking that morning when I woke up that I was officially middle aged. Then when I turned forty-five, I felt like that I had attained the highest level that I would. I was on the plateau of my own mountain, a little flat spot, to rest before the last push that got me to the summit of what I call, my life.
Last Wednesday, I attained the summit. Everything looks fresh and clear from here, but turning and looking down, behind me, I see the plane crashes, and the train wrecks and the bright spots, that made up my journey to get to this place. Turning, and looking forward, and also down, this view is shrouded in an impenetrable mist. Where, as the Oracle said in the Matrix movie, you cannot see past your next decision. I wonder how the downhill side of my life will look when I get to the bottom of this?
I am sure that when I get there, if I am still blogging, I will go back and read this, and be able to fill in some blanks for that picture. Unlike a lot of blogs on this subject, I am making no predictions for this. The Lady Fates, those capricious arbiters of life, have plotted each and every turn, and each and every possible outcome for each of those turns.
I am simply riding the mine car down, and we will see where we squirt out of the other side.
The Other Side. I often close my blog postings with See You On The Other Side. People ask me from time to time, what that means. The other side is not speaking about death, although, that is the ultimate expression of the other side, no, the Other Side is that next decision you make, and what awaits after that decision. Like, changing jobs, or giving help to someone that is not expecting it, or, losing a friend or family member to that old man death. All of these things build what is known as your life.
We are the sum, of everything that has happened to us. Free Will propels us into the next, and the next, and the next again, choices that will continue to mold and shape the remaining parts of our lives.
I have stated here before that I do not understand why I am still here. Here on the planet. For life to be "worthy" you have to have a purpose, and it is my understanding from my own observations, that I have run out of purpose in my life. I raised my kids, and they are doing well. I did not cause permanent damage to either of my Ex's. I was there the day that Number One made me a Grandfather, helping her through that traumatic day, and seeing Little Charles for the first time. I have made peace with my youngest daughter for the bad words, and silence of the past two years.
I hate to quote the Matrix movie, again, but, without purpose, our lives are a waste.
So, what to do next. Apparently God, The Fates, and whoever else pulls the levers that make us dance like puppets still have something up their sleeves for me. I wish that they would reveal it, because right now, I am simply going through the motions.
The last tick of the Roller Coaster's first big hill has sounded, and I hang poised, motionless, while stored kinetic energy, and gravity push me down, and into the last big ride of my life. I am in the front car, belted in, lap bar down, and my arms thrust straight up, and then, the silence is punctuated by laughter, and screams as we plummet towards the bottom of this hill in preparation for the next hill, and the next. And like real roller coasters are demonstrations of experiments in Physics, where the next hill is not as high, until finally, you run out of stored kinetic energy, and gravity starts to works against you, instead of helping you (and in truth, gravity was never your friend. He worked against you the entire time, always slowing you down, always stating through his actions, I am in control.) and you roll into the station, a little breathless, and perhaps a little sick.
But, you made it, and it propels you the next adventure.
Shalom (Peace. May you find it on your journey)
Namaste ("I bow to you" I am not better than you, and you are not better than me)
See You On The Other Side (I hope we enjoy the Ride. First two rounds are on me!)
Deo Non Fortuna (By GOD, not Chance) (Ironically, this is tattooed on a Porn girls shoulder, and she believes this means that "we" make our choices, not God, but that is not what the 17th Century Priest that penned that phrase meant. He was answering criticisms of his day where people believed that we are our own God's because we understand how life works. The priest emphatically stated that everything we know about life is from God, and not just a happy coincidence. Amazing how, 150+ years later, we still hear the same things!)
P.S. I am not sure how long this has become. I have just been typing and editing, and typing some more for a little over an hour. But, don't forget this Lee. That old life, it was great. You made it to this life, and this new life, well, don't fear it. Be cautious that it doesn't "dope slap" you, but, don't fear it. Remember, relationships are/were part of the old life, but this new one, well, since you screwed up those relationships, and didn't bring her along with you to the new part of your life, you don't get another chance. Shalom. Namaste. See You On The Other Side. Deo non Fortuna.
:)